It hurts. Why is it so hard to say?

She wrote me again. It was awful still but carries the hope of a reconciliation. Of course it would be on her terms only. I printed it and ran to my partner for his wisdom which he imparted very thoughtfully and generously. Today he keeps asking me if I am okay. I lie and say I am. It hurts. My actual physical chest aches and maybe that pump inside my chest is the source of the pain. The she in the first line is my second born daughter who blames me for her pain, saying I told her that I would have killed her had she not been so pretty. Did you read would have? That joke has gone back in time to when she was an uncomprehending child and morphed into my threatening her life. My poor choice of her father has further become all my fault and when I sent her to live with him briefly I was also exposing her to bodily harm and possibly murder. Which potential murderer did she want to live with? Me or him? I married at a very immature 21 and she was the result of an unintended pregnancy. Shoot me. I divorced and remarried someone I loved and hoped was better. Scores of people can attest to his complete personality change. I stayed with this person for 27 years in a cold loveless marriage being mute and invisible to him. It provided her with shelter, healthcare and my presence in the home. The first divorce taught me that I didn't want freedom if it accompanied poverty for me and my daughters. I didn't care to be free to leave them at daycare all day while I worked a low wage job to pay rent on an apartment in a bad neighborhood. She was indeed a lovely girl but she was also unpleasant, adversarial, brilliant and demanding. Cue puberty and stand clear. She got caught with drugs and was suspended from school for a semester to a reform facility that required my driving her to and from. I also tried many shrinks, counselors and drug therapies; none worked. She missed so many days in high school that it was touch and go about her graduating at all.
Today she is successful, moderately famous and three years ago after months of no contact with me announced that I should susupend communications until she could bear it. From her sister I learned that I had abused her. I tried writing her a letter and got an acid filled email dismissing it as my mundane life and reiterating that I should stop. Last year when she was to play at a famous venue I bought tickets and planned to enjoy her performance from afar. Getting wind of it I got another venomous message asking me to stay away. I did tearfully. Now I get a long, "this is all the damage you did to me and these are the only terms for us to resume talking" email. It hurts and I don't want to hurt and cry and ruin the time I have with my wonderful partner, my upcoming grandchild and the rest of my adult children. No arguments will change her perception of my bad mothering. My family is well-populated by those of us who don't argue and fight. It's the old saw, "You weren't reasoned into it and you can't be reasoned out of it." We just walk away and don't come back, ever.