So in my reply to her message I dug out a 9 year old email I sent her apologizing for not being a better parent to her and her gracious reply. My only new addition was to tell her that I still felt that way. Her reply that arrived today said she didn't and was in fear for her life from my original black humor from her teenage years. This while she was in San Francisco and me in Houston.
Since she continued in the same vein it tells me she just wants to keep punishing me for cruel treatment I don't remember at all. I am sad but I know that there is nothing I can do to help or fix this until she is willing to forgive me and let it go. If my parenting scarred her it was not intentional, her continued attacks on me are deliberate. But you know, with 27 years in an awful marriage, I am a master at looking at the good parts of my life and putting the nightmare stuff in a box in the back of the closet. I'm okay.