July to almost November

Much has changed as I am no longer wearing the 14's and 16's and have dropped down to 166 or so. I am back in 12 jeans and feeling much better. Since I had a birthday and dropped down from 170's to 160's I have lost Weight Watcher points too. It is harder and I get to eat less. But with help from other in my meeting I have found some food items with almost no points that satisfy me. I haven't been going to the gym in the past month and can tell the difference. I have less energy and my weight loss has slowed. The Kevin Riddle reunion cake was delicious so that accounted for some of the slight gain and slower loss.

I think I have to tell myself that I will never be cured and will always have to be vigilant about food. It helps to know that others share this struggle and just because other women don't talk about it doesn't mean that it isn't happening to them too.

Back in the WW saddle again. The scales (179), the mirror, the camera and the clothes (14's & 16's) can't all be lying. I am trying a new instructor and a new location to see if it will work any better, longer and not have me crawling back and back and back. this has been going on since 1971 in the old days of liver once a week and canned tuna. But it is healthy and it works if I work it. In keeping with the resolve yesterday when I rejoined, I went to yoga class last night and staggered up to do 45 min. on the recumbent bike too. Didn't eat today until 3pm and still wasn't really hungry. Had leftover veg soup with deck of cards size of leftover brisket and a Diet Rite Zero. I had decided to get off aspartame but looks like I am away from that now. I will try not to be such a whore about them as I was and stick mainly to iced tea, green decaf tea enhanced with lemonade Crystal Lite store brand stuff but today after the soup I wanted a little sweet. It has been in the fridge a while and I worried that it might have expired and I'd get a mouthful of carbonated water but no. It hit the spot. Tonight at 7:30pm I am going back for more punishing yoga and the bike too. I am reading a book called "The End of Overeating" but that seems very optimistic but it is keeping me thinking about this battle I fight again and again. A little like the Vietnam war where we took areas only to lose them and have to fight and retake the same ground. So I am getting into the pink camo to go to war against the creeping immortal and returning fat.

Of what?

What is it that I'm supposed to be cured of? Insecurity, self-consciousness, doubt, they're all still with me, following me like a shadow for lo these many years.